I have recently been asked to comment on the effects of when children have too many extra-mural activities and sports and they don’t have enough time to play. When is too much, just too much?

As a therapist, I often struggle trying to find a timeslot, in the afternoons, to see children. How important is unstructured play and what are the consequences if there is not enough play time?

Unstructured play is imperative in young children. They learn so many valuable skills and tools that cannot be taught. A child is only a child once, and it is during those early years that they build on their foundation and personality – the elements experienced during play contribute to a healthy, happy and well-rounded human being.

The reality is that school hours have become longer to fit in all the outcomes and assessments required by the Education Department. Some children struggle academically, and require extra Maths or Reading. Further, many schools require that children do a set number of sports and extra-mural activities a term. Over-and-above this, children will also have a special hobby; like horse-riding or judo; that they love and cannot see their lives functioning without, which leaves little or no time for free time. So for some children free time or play dates are no longer an option.

This leads the question of how much free time and unstructured play should a child under the age of 13 years have?  At minimum, I would say at least one afternoon a week where there are no compulsory structured activities. I also strongly believe that weekends should be family time and structured activities should not be planned on these days.

Some children are able to verbalise early on that they are just not coping, and then action can be taken to cut down the amount of activities and the child learns to priorities what is important. Some children are not able to express the anxiety that they are feeling and this can manifest in:

• Bad dreams (nightmares),
• difficulty sleeping,
• changes in appetite,
• not wanting to go to school,
• mild depression and
• emotional outbursts, etc.

These symptoms may result in the child coming to see a specialist, such a play therapist.

It is a universal rule that we MUST listen to our children. They will give us the warning signs that they are just not coping with everything on their plate.

I would like to end with this simple quote by an influential developmental psychologist:

“To play it out is the most natural self healing method childhood affords.” – Eric Erickson

Tags: anxiety, extra-mural activities, Jodi Lord, not enough play, Play therapist

Jodi Lord

Play therapist in Cape Town

Children may display their anxiety through crying

It’s natural for a child to feel scared when a parent says goodbye. Separation anxiety is, however, a normal stage of development. With understanding, patience and coping strategies, it can be relieved, and should fade naturally as your child gets older.

In some children fears about separation seem to only intensify as time passes, or to resurface out of the blue. If anxieties are persistent and excessive enough to get in the way of school or other activities, it is possible that your child has separation anxiety disorder. Unlike normal separation anxiety, this condition may require the support of a professional, such as a play therapist.

But there is also a lot that you as a parent can do to help.

1)      Prepare your child that you will be leaving them. Possibly mention some feelings that they may feel: scared, worried, sad and then comment that it is okay. Let them know that you understand and validate their emotions.

2)      Allow your child to choose and keep a small object (not expensive or valuable) that reminds them of you. I usually suggest a piece of clothing (like pyjamas) or an empty perfume bottle that mom and dad used to use.

3)      Develop a “goodbye” ritual. Rituals are reassuring and can be as simple as a special wave through the window or a goodbye kiss. In therapy, I like to teach a parent and the anxious child a special handshake to do before they leave each other.

4)      Try not to give in. Reassure your child that he or she will be just fine—setting limits will help the adjustment to separation. Leave and do not feed into your child’s anxiety by hanging around and randomly re-appearing.

5)      Make sure you are on time when you collect your child. When greeting your child, go down to their eye-level, and congratulate them on being brave and showing that that they are growing up. Remind them that you love them and you thought about them all day. Give lots of hugs and kisses.

The main differences between healthy separation anxiety and separation anxiety disorder are the intensity of your child’s fears, and whether these fears keep him or her from normal activities. Children with separation anxiety disorder may become agitated at just the thought of being away from mom or dad, and may complain of sickness to avoid playing with friends or attending school. When symptoms are extreme enough, these anxieties can add up to a disorder.

Look out for the symptoms and do not hesitate to contact a professional to help.

Tags: Jodi Lord, parental guidance, Play Therapy, separation anxiety, Southern suburbs

By Jodi Lord (Play Therapist, Southern Suburbs, Cape Town)

Divorced parents must still fulfill their responsibilities to their children. Children should have rights in divorced families. If you give your children these freedoms, you will have gone a long way toward fulfilling your responsibility as a parent.

Every chilfd whose parents divorce has:

1) The right to love and be loved by both parents without feeling guilty or disapproval.
2) The right to be protected from her parent’s anger with each other.
3) The right to be kept out of the middle of her parents conflict, including the right not to pick sides, carry messages, or hear complaints about the other parent.

The Chronical Newspaper, 19 October 2011

4) The right not to have to choose one of her parents over the other
5) The right not to have to be responsible for the burden of either of her parents emotional problems
6) The right to know in advance about important changes that will affect her life; for example, when one of her parents is going to move or get remarried.

7) The right to reasonable financial support during her childhood and through her college years.
8.) The right to have feelings, to express her feelings, and to have both parents listen to how she feels.
9) The right to have a life that is as close as possible to what it would have been if her parents had stayed together.
10) The right to be a kid.

These rights have neither been defined by law nor can they be protected or enforced by anyone but parents. To fully enforce and protect your child’s Bill of Rights in Divorce requires your constant vigilance in policing your words and actions, your unflagging commitment to shouldering the burdens and making the hard choices that insulate your child from the adult issues of divorce. It’s a tall order, but your children deserve nothing less.

Emery, R.E.  2004.  The Truth About Children and Divorce. Dealing with the emtoions so you and your children can thrive. Pg 82-83.

Tags: Cape Town, divorce, helping children, Play therapist, Southern suburbs

Allow a child time to mourn the loss

Jodi Lord

Play therapist and registered trauma counsellor,

Southern Suburbs, Cape Town

I have recently been asked to help a 7 year-old girl with the trauma of losing her mother to a sudden illness. Her father came to me early in the process and asked how he should go about telling his daughter of her death.

Firstly, it is never easy to break the news of death to a child. It is, however, critical that a child is told of the death soon after it happens. This should be told by a parent, close family member or friend in a safe and familiar environment. It is advisable to use simple factual words such as: “dead” or “has died” to avoid confusion.  The child may have a lot of questions, answer all these questions as truthfully as possible and admit to not having all the answers.

The father asked me if it was okay to cry while telling his daughter? In all the literature I have read, they all agree that shedding tears is normal and indicates to the child how much the dead person meant to you.  You should accept children as bereaved people and allow them to mourn.

Psychologist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross theorised that there is a process of bereavement and loss, in order to arrive at acceptance, it is necessary to work through the other emotions which often accompany mourning:

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance.

Allow children to be the teachers of their experience of loss. Be a good listener and remember that each child is different.

Seeking professional help, such as a play therapist,  can help children with healthy coping mechanisms and practical emotional outlets. We create a safe and warm envirnoment where the child is heard and can express themselves freely. We allow the child to be the expert in their experience of the painful loss and support them during the process.

Tags: Cape Town, Jodi Lord, Play therapist, Southern suburbs

Jodi Lord (Child Play Therapist, practicing in Cape Town: Southern Suburbs)

I have recently written an assessment report in which I recommended that a set of Grade 1 twin boys be put into the same class next year. This obviously spurred on some thought and I have since done some research on the topical issue.

Some schools have a policy that twins should not be placed in the same class in order for them to gain independence and an identity apart from each other. As I understand from the research that I have conducted, the idea of separating ALL twins into different classrooms is no longer recommended. This may well be the best advice for many twins as they get older, but as with any classification of people, there is rarely one solution that works best for all. I believe that this decision must be made on an individual basis. From what I have learned in the case that I recently dealt with, it may in fact be better to allow some twins in the early grades to stay together.

Here is a small section from an article I got off the net from Twin Services (510-524-0863):

“There is often confusion made between the physical separation of twins and their development of individual identity and independence. This confusion promotes the placement of twins in separate classrooms as the “best” way to encourage the individual process for all twins. In reality each set of twins have their own unique dynamics and developmental time tables. Placement in separate classrooms does not fit the needs of all twins any more than does placement together. What is true for all multiples is that their classroom placement has an important effect on their relationship and their lives. In order for these effects to be positive, their placement needs to be evaluated every year so that it can be adjusted as necessary to meet the changing needs of the children.”

Further, the article states; “Twins and triplets just starting school usually benefit from the social support they give each other when they are in the same room. They seem to find it easy to engage in different activities when they have the option of being together. When they are forced to separate into different classrooms, they get the message that there is something wrong about being a twin. They may suffer emotional stress from worry about their absent co-twin and find it difficult or impossible to do their school work.”

It is especially difficult if the parents want to take an active role in their childrens education. It may be impossible to schedule extra-curricular activities such as school outings and visits to a library when the children are learning different things at different times.

There are a host of additional reasons behind this new thinking. As a therapist, I find it upsetting that certain schools keep the rule of separating twins without consulting the experts of the children, their parents. I believe that the final decision about splitting twins in school should always be left to the parent(s). There should NEVER be a blanket policy in place for the automatic separation or placement together of multiples. School boards and principals must allow flexibility here. Everyone should be prepared to reconsider the decision. It it’s not working out, the decision should be reversible.

Tags: Cape Town, parents, Play therapist, school policies, Southern suburbs, therapy, twins

Primary Immunodeficiency Disease (PID)

By Jodi Lord (Play therapist, Cape Town: Southern Suburbs)

I have recently been approached by a mother to help her daughter, through play therapy, cope with PID, Primary Immunodeficiency Disease. PID occurs in people born with an immune system that is either absent or hampered in its ability to function, whilst not contagious, these diseases are caused by hereditary or genetic defects and can affect anyone.   PID causes children and adults to have infections that come back frequently or are unusually hard to cure.  Children with PID live their entire lives being more susceptible to infections, enduring recurrent health problems and often developing serous and debilitating illnesses.

How is it diagnosed?

Many primary Immunodeficiencies can be diagnosed with a simple and inexpensive blood test, but some need more specific investigation. Warning signs of PID are Serious, Persistent, Unusual and Recurrent (*Remember the easy catch phrase: SPUR*). Early diagnoses of PID can mean a reduction in costly hospital stays and with appropriate treatment, improved quality of life.

Treatment?

At present there is no cure for PID and the only hope of a normal infection controlled life is an infusion, either by intravenous or sub-cutaneous (under the skin), of safe, fractionated blood products, alongside high and constant doses of antibiotics. Fortunately, with proper medical care, including therapy, many patients live full and independent lives.

Play Therapy?

Play therapy is a wonderful medium to help children cope with life stressors. Often these life-stressors are short-lived, temporary or age-specific. So, how do you help a child cope with the lifelong illness of PID? The little girl that I have been asked to see has to deal with the painful experience of having an intravenous transfusion every 2 weeks. It is a painful experience; often with post transfusion pain. This can leads to emotional outbursts, with rippling affects on the whole family. What is the experience like for siblings? At this stage I don’t have all the answers to these questions. What I do know is that she will need a person to help her express her anger, frustration and sadness in a healthy way. A person that she will need to trust, and feel safe enough with, to help her through even the very dark times. A person, who understands her pain, is always there to listen and very important – that she can be creative and have fun with! A role most definitely suited for a play therapist.

Organization

PiNSA (Primary Immunodeficiency Network of South Africa) is a Non-Profit Organization (NPO) for people in South Africa dealing with PID. PiNSA exists to fulfil a range of objectives: one being to provide support to patients and their families. For more information on PiNSA go to: www.pinsa.org.za

Tags: child, help, illness, Immunodeficiency disease, Southern suburbs, therapy

It is obvious, even if you have never worked with children, that we cannot counsel children in the same way that we counsel adults. When I deal with adults they can merely use the medium of their voice to communicate their frustrations, difficulties and feelings. If I had to use the same techniques with children, it is unlikely that they would tell us anything of importance. They would probably end up yawning, become withdrawn, silent and then fidget with an object closest to them.. Even if they did talk, they would probably avert away from important issues.

When working with children, I try to engage the child with mediums that are familiar to them so they talk freely about painful issues. I involve the child in play, using miniature animals, clay or various forms of art. I can also use biblioplay which involves the child in storytelling, writing letters or an imaginary journey. I create a non-threatening environment in which the child feels heard and is able to undergo therapeutic change.

The child/therapist relationship is significantly important in influencing the effectiveness of therapy. To be optimally effective, I believe that the child/therapist relationship must be all of the following:

1)    Genuine/authentic

2)    Non-threatening

3)    Non-intrusive

[...]

Child play therapy is an effective way to help children. This approach aims to help children work through a variety of difficulties including: emotional, psychosocial, behavioural difficulties, as well as family difficulties, in a non-threatening manner.

Child play therapy aims to develop a relationship between the child and the therapist. The therapist enters the child’s world; following the child’s lead; developing a safe place and relationship of trust. The role of the therapist is to assist the child through this process.

Tags: Cape Town, Child Assistance, Child Therapy, Jodi Lord, Learning, Play, Play Therapy, Private Play, Teaching