Divorce for Dads

If you would like a free copy of this book (maximum two per family, until stocks last), please go to: Knighton Villa, 6 Kenilworth Road, Kenilworth (Western Cape) during office hours 

by Gary Bailey

Making the right choices for your kids.

Divorce is widely acknowledged to be one of life’s most stressful experiences – and it’s even more difficult to cope with if you’re a dad, because you have to look after yourself and your kids. It is never an easy process, no matter who you are, and the dilemma of doing the right thing for your  child(ren) is one that thousands of separated fathers face every day in South Africa.

In Divorce for Dads, cerebrated soccer personality Gary Bailey combines forces with renowned UK family-behaviour expert Nick Woodall to provide the first guidebook aimed specifically at South African fathers undergoing divorce or family separation. Offering comprehensive advice in a simple and accessible format, this is a book that every divorced (or separating) dad should read.

 

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Self-confidence in young girls

 Wanting to be someone else in a waste of the person you are

-Marilyn Monroe

 

Society sends girls the message that it is important for them to get along with others and to be very, very thin and pretty. The question I pose:  What can a parent do to build a confident daughter who does not fit this ideal?

 

In the last year I have been requested to see a number of children, more often girls, presenting with a low self-image/self-esteem/self-confidence. Symptoms include: doubting her abilities, feeling ‘useless’, calling herself ‘dumb,’ ‘stupid’ and ‘fat.’

The term self-image is used to refer to a person’s mental picture of herself. A lot of our self-image is based on interactions we have with other people and our life experiences. This mental picture (our self-image) contributes to our self-esteem.

Self-esteem is a girl’s perception of herself. It is all about how much she feels valued, loved, accepted and thought well of by others — and how much we value, love, and accept ourselves. A girl with a healthy self-esteem is able to feel good about herself, appreciate her own worth and take pride in her abilities, skills, accomplishments and is happy with what she sees in the mirror. A girl with a low self-esteem may feel as if no one likes her or accepts her or that she does not do well in anything.

Self-confidence is how a girl views her own abilities to do something. The level of self-confidence is usually a result of overcoming certain obstacles or working to improve a skill. Skills build on our confidence.


What can a parent do?

  • Mothers need to be warned about making negative comments about their own weight or appearance or casually mentioning that you feel insecure about a particular body part. Try modelling healthy habits, such as eating a balanced diet, enjoying treats in moderation, exercising (without complaining) and embracing your body the way it is.
  • Think twice about commenting on somebody’s appearance, whether in a positive or negative way. Negative comments invite young girls to create an unhealthy sense of beauty. Staring at a billboard and stating that you wish to have a stomach like the model may cause your daughter to look negatively at her stomach.
  • Make an effort every day to tell your daughter that she is beautiful and to look at her with loving, rather than critical, eyes.  She is perfect – the way that she is.
  • Empower your daughter by encouraging her individual interests and recognising when she excels. Having a hobby, passion or creative outlet helps build confidence and allows your daughter’s mind to flourish in an environment in which she feel safe and comfortable.
  • To build your daughters confidence and self-efficacy, assign her responsibilities at which she can succeed. These include: doing the laundry, cleaning her room or something as simple as sewing loose buttons back onto garments.
  • Talk about your child’s fears. Monitor your child’s television, radio and internet activity. Help her to avoid overexposure to violent images, which can heighten her anxiety.
  • Praising your daughter will help her to gain confidence. However, the compliments that you give her must be genuine. She will recognise when they are not.

 

Your daughter may not fit into the mould of what society perceives how a girl should look. And more so than not it is then that we should embrace difference and a sense of love and respect for who she is.  The best gift you can part on your daughter, as a parent, is a healthy self-image and a sense of worth.

 


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Tooth fairy-how ‘rich’ are you?

  • How much should you give a child for losing a tooth?
  • Is there a difference in price from the 1st tooth lost to the last milk tooth?
  • Should there be a consensus amongst friends that they each give their children the same amount?

These are but some of the many questions that I aim to seek out. My thought process regarding this matter was awakened when I watched a very recent Modern Family episode in which Cameron and Mitchel mistook a $100 for a $10. When Lily wakes-up in the morning to find the $100, she is beyond ecstatic. This puts Cameron and Mitchel in a state of panic as they run-through the repercussions of their error. They are not only concerned about what the other parents might say, but what impact it may have on Lily and her undeveloped relationship with money.

It is researched that early grade-schoolers are preoccupied with fairness. It cannot go without saying that no child wants to think the Tooth Fairy likes the child next door better. I thought it would be best to consult with a few parents on the exchange rate for lost teeth.

  • “R20 is fair; however, if we don’t have the right amount a R50 is the exchange for a tooth.”
  • “R50, we think this is a good amount.”
  • “R100- too much? I know we have a wealthy Tooth Fairy in our house.”
  • “R200! Her mom promised her R200 and she was with me for the weekend when she lost her tooth. What was I supposed to do? Disappoint her? She did give half of it to the church that Sunday.”
  • “No real figure has been decided upon. It is sometimes R5, sometimes R20 and if I can recall the one time we gave him R100 – I felt generous and it was the end of the month.”

 An article written in the Yahoo Finance (http://finance.yahoo.com/news/tooth-fairy-inflation-price-tooth-  nears-4-124738743–finance.html) states that children this year are getting an average of $3.70 per lost tooth, a 23% jump over last year’s rate of $3. And that’s a 42% spike from the $2.60 per tooth that the Tooth Fairy gave in 2011.

As part of Visa’s personal finance education program, it offers a downloadable Tooth Fairy Calculator app that will give you an idea of how much parents in your age group, income bracket and education level are giving their children. The newly updated app is available for iPhones and iPads on iTunes, and the calculator is available on the Facebook apps page (Tooth Fairy Calculator: https://apps.facebook.com/449594221747991//).

The debate as to how much in exchange for a tooth is on-going. The message that we need to convey to our child is that losing a baby tooth really isn’t just about getting money. It is about the magic she shares with her family and friends. It is about the magic moment when she realises she is getting just a little bit older. It is also an ideal opportunity to teach your child about oral healthcare and the importance of brushing your teeth twice a day.

So, next time your child loses a tooth and the Tooth Fairy is alerted to come and visit rest assured that there are many parents who are grappling with the decision of how much to give? There is, however, research and with the introduction of modern technology, some tools to guide you with this decision. Have fun and enjoy this memorable moment with your child – it is a blessing to be a parent.

 

 

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